Nor did he turn 34

Today he would have celebrated his 34th day.

He died. I have thought that I never really said goodbye, because until the very last it seemed as if it never happened. I sat there by the bed watching him die. But I could never believe it. I can’t believe it now.

The sea is mirrored with glow from the evening sun. Every day, the sea gives a gift. The sea that has no boundaries, but always moves until it hits something, then breaks the meeting and move on. The sea itself has no memories, but it carries memories as gifts.

By the water, the first place we stayed, Daniel and I. He and I.

Daniel was born on 3rd of May and died 11th of May, just after he turned 30.

Our first trip together was away from a mirrorless horizon, in a truck with the few possessions we had, a bed that you could pull out as you grew, a table to fold out, a wicker chair and toys, plastic toys. We moved to Oslo, I was going to be a student and we were both going to be social.

Now I have made a podcast in memory of Daniel that you can hear here:

The story I use in Podcast is, Havmannens sønn, a fairytale by the author, teacher Regine Normann. The story is found in the collection: Ringelihorn og andre eventyr.

The story I used as a template to search for personal memories of Daniel. It has then served as a thought model and structure for my own experiences.

In Podcast I also used one of the latest recordings of Daniel. He is out skiing, and is updating his on how the trip is. It’s really a small video, he got a Gopro camera of me the Christmas before he died and the video shows him trying out the camera. On the trip he is with two of his best friends.

Here is the video I took the audio from:

I’ve also used other sounds in Podcast, some I’ve downloaded from the web, others I’ve even made. I am an amateur in this field, but experiment in small portions. I have a zoom microphone to record with and then I use Garageband to edit it all. I stand in the bathroom and record the “performance”, it is the most quiet room in the apartment, but unfortunately it is not completely quiet.

The photos in this post are a mix of old and new, something from when Daniel was a child, some pictures were taken this week as I have been walking around thinking about him. The virtual images I have made most with regard to the story.

Here are some theoretical thoughts:

«There are no pains as great as a memory of joy in the present sorrow» – wrote Aeschylus, the Greek tragedy maker who may have lived from 524 to 455 BC, and also wrote that the memory is the mother of all wisdom.

When a loved one dies, the risk of depression and anxiety increases, there is a danger of reduced physical health and may result in an increased suicide rate (Maccallum & Bryant, 2013). At least six months after the loss of a person, one can experience severe yearning, as well as possible symptoms such as: emotional anesthesia, feeling of life is meaningless, distrust of others, bitterness, difficulty accepting loss, confusion of identity and difficulties in moving on in life ( Maccallum & Bryant, 2013).

Autobiographical memory is a reconstructive process. Literature shows that memory affects grief and telling about the dead has a preventive effect on how grief seizes one’s life (Maccallum & Bryant, 2013). In some traditions you have the watching over the dead where stories are told.

It is important to me that I mark Daniel this month every year, on his birthday. He’s still among us, he’s something that calls on the inside.

Thank you for reading and listening.

 

Maccallum, F., & Bryant, R. A. (2013). A Cognitive Attachment Model of prolonged grief: Integrating attachments, memory, and identity. Clinical Psychology Review 33, 713-727.

Normann, R. (1972). Ringelihorn og andre eventyr. Oslo: Aschehoug.